THE SHIRE Ep2 starring Mayor and Pauline Hanson

"Remember my name FAME..... uh I forgot your name Mitch"

There's only one more sleep until the much anticipated episode 2 of Channel 10's reality show, ummm docu-drama, ummm dramality 'The Shire'.

Only one more sleep until the genetically blessed and genetically modified vomit their selfless SELF all over our HD plasmas.

Only one more sleep until the sun kissed and the spray tanned man (and his +1 tranny friend) shimmy and shake back into our lounge rooms shouting

"we're here, the sun is shining and right this very second there's NO RIOTS going on in...... THE SHIRE!"

There may be no current riots, but there's certainly a whirlwind love triangle a-brewing down south, but my instincts and my TV viewer expertise tell me we might have to wait longer than one more sleep to find out the outcome of that situation.

Will local hunk Mitch end up with girl A or will local hunk Mitch end up with girl B who looks just like girl A?


Rather strangely there's been absolutely no hype, no interest and no press this week about Mitch's girl A or girl B.  This might largely be due to the fact girl A and girl B appear to be normal, nice girls and probably a very good indication of what the majority population of the real Shire local is like.  Obviously normal, nice, bland and average aren't colours interesting enough to hold our attention for 30mins, otherwise we'd turn off our TVs completely, stare at our own normal, nice, bland and average walls and watch the paint dry.

Enter THESE two characters:

"mine are pointing North" "mine are too.... which way's North?"

If there was a real standout star of Monday's first episode (and I use the term 'real' and 'star' VERY loosely but their boobies certainly stood out) it would be Vernesa Toroman (28) and her inflated side kick Sophie Kalantzis (27).  There's a whopping 1 years age difference between these two besties.... that's a whole four botox injections!

Sophie and Vernesa if you're reading this, the way I came up with that witty sentence was I took one year (which is 12 months) and divided it by 3 (cause fresh botox should last approximately 3 months) and ended up with 4.  Don't worry your pretty little heads about this one (or do I mean 'your version' of pretty little heads) cause it's a maths equation and my guts tell me being a mathematician is NOT your aspiration.

While absolutely no one cares about exactly which street Mitch's girl A and girl B currently live in (ironically, no one really cares much about them on the show at all) there's been MUCH interest in exactly which street Sophie and Vernesa live in.  The rumour mill states these loud trout-mouthed girls don't even reside in The Shire.

Of course one of the first to point this out to us was outspoken, camera happy, publicity seeking Shire mayor Carol Provan.

Carol Provan claims those two sets of silicon titties rest their silicon heads in the suburb Burwood, which is not officially part of 'The Shire' district.  She has also insinuated that Sophie and Vernesa should stop inflating their faces and chest balloons and start inflating a life raft to fat-blast themselves back to Burwood.

Is Mayor Carol Provan suggesting people who look and act differently are not welcome in The Shire?  And in turn, is she suggesting that only 'normal' people like surfie Mitch are welcome in The Shire?

She loves to pick a fight that Mayor.

This sounds like something that might start a riot.

OH THAT'S RIGHT, SUGGESTIONS THAT AUSTRALIANS OF ALL BACKGROUNDS ARE NOT WELCOME IN THE SHIRE DID START A RIOT!

Since the sad footage of the 2005 riots were beamed live all around the world, it was unfortunate that whenever the picturesque, spectacular costal community of The Shire was mentioned it was riots that came to mind.  Perhaps Ms Provan should thank David Mott at Channel 10, cause now whenever The Shire is mentioned I think of nice beaches, bloody brilliant people watching and the best live Twitter feed EVER!

Perhaps Channel 10 should give Mayor Carol shut-up-a-ya-face Provan her own reality show (co-starring Pauline Hanson)?  Carol seems to love the sound of her own voice AND a camera.  The camera and drawing attention to herself has been a life time passion for Ms Carol, formerly crowned Ms Bankstown in 1964 and appearing on numerous infomercials for the type of wrinkle vanishing creams Sophie and Vernesa are probably going to stock in their new Fat-Blasting Drive through salon (would you like to upsize that?).  Columnist Andrew Hornery made Mayor Carol Provan's website a must see!  For a fee, she'll do almost anything, even co-ordinate your funeral.... LITERALLY.... like aren't you just DYING!

But the show is not about Carol Provan (sorry Carol.... Channel 9 are in final stages of casting Big Brother atm).  So who is the show about?

I remember Mitch, Sophie, Vernesa and the token one scene gay boys.  If there was ever a season FOUR of The Shire, I wonder if the gay boys would end up with two scenes and I wonder if they'd end up looking like Mitch?

Dear cast, regardless of what you look like I just wanna let you know you are ALL welcome in my suburb (yes even a certain Shire local Ms KB from Engadine who wrote to the Sunday Telegraph expressing the 'embarrassing' cast members are more representative of Eastern Suburb BONDI).

Cause I like to think of my backyard as a little more tolerant.

Listen up peeps, change the channel or eat some Licorice Allsorts!  Cause with all sorts, there's many layers, there's many colours and there's many different flavours that come together and make the whole experience a little more interesting.

What a boring 30mins episode if everyone was just 'normal'.

Come to think of it, what a boring LIFE if everyone was just NORMAL.

Small minded people should be saying thank you "Thank you for giving us something to talk about in our 'normal' lives"