Sunday, 20 May 2012

People ask me strange shit

Voices, voices.... my head hurts!
I know it's only been a minute and ONLY Mrs Woog is reading this, but I have SO much to say (often at really inappropriate times.... but that's a whole other blog).

Come to think of it, so many people have SO much to say!

People have asked me some strange shit:

Q: “Adammmmmmmm! Do I look fat in this?”
Amanda, Gold Coast

A: Oh Amanda,

Thanks for sending in this pic, it's hot and your photo pout is fierce (I always say when in doubt... simply POUT!).  But to answer your question truthfully (and from a definite place of innocent and unadulterated love) have you ever heard the saying “if you have to ask the price, then you probably can't afford it!”? 

Basically it means, if you gonna ask this sorta question.... maybe you already know the true answer.
Yes Amanda, I do think your butt looks big in those jeans!

Love A x

PS Next time you buy jeans, try and make sure they've got simple and plain, medium sized pockets (no tricky patterns or designs) that sit high up on your butt.  This makes your arse look uber fierce! Wear them with confidence and proudly strut with your new look perky Kray Kray butt! I like butt!

Q: “Adammm! I really need to work on my blow jobs. Tips!?”
Tara, Perth

A: Lady Tara D'Perth,

I never tire of GIVING or RECEIVING re this topic! Fellatio, Fellatio, where for art thou Fellatio!

Your question makes me think of my favourite book Twilight.  Heard of it?  Think of your blow job like a good book (it can entertain you in bed for hours and more often then not, can actually be better than the movie!).  Like all brilliant stories, your BJ needs to open with an intriguing first paragraph (a cheeky taste of what's to come) and finish up with a climactic final explosion full of heightened ENERGY, plot TWISTS and acrobatic TURNS.

DON'T GIVE IT ALL AWAY IN THE FIRST CHAPTER.  Use your tongue to set up your story by teasing your reader with a provocative, understated taste of the mind blowing journey in store.  Use eye to eye contact to really spell out sudden changes in mood and remember, you've got two hands.... use them to explore previously unchartered sub-plots (I like butt!).

The best books are part of a series and just like Twilight, as you read on the plots keep getting better and better.  This is 100% evidence that practice makes perfect.... enjoy practice!

Love A x

PS Just like Twilight's super spunk Edward, be sure to keep your fangs away from the meat you really love.... or your story DEFINITELY won't have a happy ending.

Q: “Adammm! He hasn't called me since we hooked up last weekend. No text back. What should I do?”
Teigan, Adelaide

A: Teigs!

Firstly, massive congratulations on what sounds like my ideal weekend! 

Secondly, LOVE that you managed to get his number (a girl with confidence is sooooo 2012 and even turns me on.... well almost).  Thirdly and most importantly.... STEP AWAY FROM YOUR G- DAM PHONE!  Under no circumstances are you to text him again, Tweet or Facebook stalk.  If this male non-communicado text-deficient monkey wanted to play hide the banana.... he would have text you back.

But he didn't... so he doesn't!  Move on.

Love A x

PS Channel that wasted frustration and re-focus that energy into finding the ideal outfit for next weekend. Get yourself back out there and meet someone even hotter, who is NOT a monkey!

Q: “Adammm! He wants a 3some with another girl. Should I do it?”
Claudia, Melbourne

A: Ms C from the big V,

Should you?  Or more to the point... COULD you?

Is this something you are sorta keen on and find just a touch exciting, or does the thought make you a s'mini uncomfortable?  Clearly I've been around the block once or twice more than your other girlfriends, and there's one tres important piece of life advice I always follow – if it doesn't feel right.... don't do it (that.... and always remember to floss!). 

But if the thought DOES excite you (and don't feel ashamed, I'm personally like... the more the merrier!) then think long and hard about how the situation can be just as enjoyable for you as for him.

Since you are the regular star of your bedroom blockbuster, consider casting the guest player just a tiny little bit less fabulous than you.  Also, make sure you've got clear guidelines in place before this one off performance to ensure that as the recurring regular artist, you continue to get top billing!

Love A x

PS Negotiate long and hard on this one.  Be sure to think with your head (not just HIS) and consider getting in writing that the favour may one day be reciprocated.... with you as the ONLY female player in a cast of male admirers (I like males).

Q: “Adammm! A nautical stripe or rural gingham?”
Sarah-Jane, Sydney

A: SJ dear,

Wear.... for where? For an afternoon sail on the harbour with a classically chiselled pool boy who secretly turns out to be from a prominent wealthy Eastern suburbs family, or for a rodeo full of sweaty buff cowboys? 

I'm a know it all.... not a mind reader.

Love A x

PS If you're talking fashion in general, a nautical stripe was so on trend last summer having trickled down from the luxury European fashion houses into our local and accessible stores.  Sooooo, seamen and sailorettesssss are soooo on trend Ssssarah, BUT rural gingham is a definite ongoing classic. 

Hell, if you haven't been lucky enough to roll in the hay with some hot cowboy lately, it's classically cool to dress like you have.  If you manage to hook up with a policeman, leather man, or workman in your rural gingham, then even I'll YMCA over to where You Can't Stop the Music and we can all roll in the hay with the Macho Macho Men together!

Q: “Adammm! My boyfriend seems just as interested in you as he is in me! Should I be worried?!?!”
Jess, Parramatta

A: J'Pazza,

Equally interested in both you and I?..... It's 100% evident your boyfriend clearly has
extraordinarily exceptional good taste!

Are you inferring he might not be 100% on the straight and narrow? Does his exceptional good taste in shoes, his valuable fashion opinion, his wide knowledge of the colour wheel, enjoyment watching GLEE and photographic memory of all things GAGA make you concerned your soft spoken gem of a boyfriend just might be a sh'gay like me? 

Then calm the heck down, stop being so narrow minded and realise that boys today come in all shades of the rainbow (even the straight ones!).

We don't live in the dark ages anymore where boys have to fit into one mould and girls have to fit into another. Life is all about versatility and fabulous individuality. If we were all the same, we would never have discovered GAGA and then how boring would the fashion at Hollywood awards season be?

Be grateful, and stay happy 

Love A x

PS I'm borderline jealous of your rare find. Not only does he sound like the ideal shopping partner..... I bet he's a gentlemen and offers to carry your bags too!

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