Thursday, 24 May 2012

My 6 inches (PART 1)

hide the head

It was a fortnight ago on a Wednesday afternoon just before 5pm.  I was heading out the door when my phone rang.  

This is my phone

On the line was my producer.  Just over an hr later I was on the 6pm flight to Melbourne, at a rehearsal just after 8pm and the very next evening at the Malthouse Theatre the following announcement was made:

This is the Malthouse Theatre, however the signage sorta gives that away!

"In this evening's performance, the role of Adam Williams will be performed FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME by.... Adam Williams.  Our stage just got a whole six inches bigger.... eight inches if you're on Manhunt!"

(Manhunt can best be described as or similar online dating agencies frequented by the heterosexual community, except with Manhunt there's no wining and dining and you don't need flowers.  All you need is a rubber and some water based lubricant and you're pretty much guaranteed a hook up within approximately 3mins.... well within two minutes in my postcode.... so I've heard)

The production I am talking about and the show little I was unwillingly starring in is titled:  

'Naked Boys Singing!'

The pre-existing Australian cast of our production 'Naked Boys Singing'

Interesting title don't you think?  

A title aptly featuring three of my favourite words from the English dictionary: BOYS, SINGING and NAKED.

yes...... NAKED!

This is ALL you need to pack in order to perform naked
An actual shot of the 19kgs OVER I travelled with, in order to perform naked (I like options)

Now before I delve right into some organic multi demographic pleasing crap about performing naked like:

"it was such a liberating experience" or "it was all about the art" or "I'm at one with the theatre and my showing off of my nine inch schlonger is between myself and those in the audience that actually parted with their cold hard earned cash to come check out my wanger in all it's well lit, fluffed, meaty unadulterated glory!"....

....we best head back a couple of months and find out exactly how we ended up here.

Me a couple of months ago waiting for the phone to ring admiring my watermelon shorts matching my flowers

I received mail from my agent.  Director Jonathan Worsley was bringing the 2nd longest running off Broadway show in history to tour our shores and had decided it was little humble me who should choreograph the brand new roll out of this show.  Clearly Master Worsley has extraordinary taste, minds of brilliance think alike and I mean even I'd choose me to choreograph!

Just between you and I and the lamp post (the naked and exposed lamp post standing tall in all it's glory lighting the way to a liberating unchartered path ahead) when it turns out the same director is already a multi award winning film maker by such an extraordinary young age, was Baz Luhrmann right hand man and prodigy for over three years and has actually stayed as a guest in Karl Lagerfeld's house WITH Karl Lagerfeld (not sure if you've heard of Karl Lagerfeld and his little label called CHANEL or seen Baz and Jonathan's commercial featuring some actress named Nicole Kidman) but when he calls, you come.

And cum.... I did!

me coming!

(if you read my last post mentioning Ch9's The Voice, Nicole Kidman is actually judge Keith Urban's wife.  Tiny world huh?!  Fancy my director/producer working with my last post's, judges wife!  He hasn't worked with Seal's wife.... but rather ironically, it turns out Seal didn't work with his wife either!  If you've seen Seal on The Voice and the way he 'works' with the female contestants, you might understand why.)

A picture tribute to Ch9's The Voice
Anyway, back to far more interesting topics, naked boys....

Prior to our first meet it was imperative I familiarised myself with the subject matter.  So I continued to sleep with half of Sydney and a quarter of Melbourne and a third of the Lebanese tradesmen community, a few select NRL players and finally I sat down to watch the DVD of the Broadway cast recording of 'Naked Boys Singing'.

My bed, actual location for much of my research

To say I watched the whole DVD is a lie (a big fat, meaty with girth LIE!).  

I tried.  I tried on several occasions.  The problem was, just like actually being naked with boys, sometimes the harder you try.... the WORSE it is!

So regardless of the fact the WHOLE production is about my FAVOURITE topic in the entire universe....

and regardless of the fact the lyric is playfully cheeky....

and regardless of the fact the show has a cult following world wide as the 2nd longest running off broadway show in history....

and regardless of the fact their were eight willies in my living room slapping around in life size on my overpriced oversized plasma....

the mere fact that it was not the first time eight sausages had been in my living room at one time begging in a competitive nature for my attention.... 

the novelty wore off VERY quickly.

A picture of my time going slowly in reference to my quote 'time going quickly'

.... and herein lies both the positives and the negatives about this show.  

Rather strangely, LITERALLY only TWO minutes into the production you simply just do NOT care about the fact that the cast is naked.  Strangely after only two minutes of staring at eight naked men with six average willies, one massive one and one tiny one, you really couldn't give two tugs that they're willies are there at all.

The show's original claim is to break down the taboo of the naked body.  And THIS is successfully proven only two minutes into the show!

But considering the remaining duration of the original Broadway production has them just stand there and deliver the songs in some bland, uninspiring staging and choices, you quite literally are turned off for the remainder of the show.... when really one just wants to be TURNED ON!

(the last time eight men were naked in my lounge room, I was VERY turned on!)

After fobbing off my initial meet with Jonathan many times as I unsuccessfully tried over and over again to watch the DVD (but continued to screw Australia's male population.... in the name of theatrical research) the deadline was looming and it was time to meet face to face.  

So I wrote down the song titles and was just going to have to act like I'd watched the DVD (I've been to NIDA, surely I can act my way around this meeting and navigate this cock fest).

To my utter relief, Jonathan Worsely's opinion of the Broadway production was identical to mine, and it was because of this he felt I was the right man to inject the correct CLIMAX into the production.

I've been known to make cabbage look sexy
Literally old cabbage
Honourable mention to my mum for being my inhouse model on that one (she's not an old cabbage)


After being wined and dined and googling each other over and over again and telling each other how fabulous we both were.... we teamed up!

We teamed up to create theatre, not babies.  Regardless of the female tone in my voice, we are both men so to create babies is actually physically impossible!

After a whirlwind rehearsal period, many disagreements, many agreements and many doodles later we opened at Sydney's Seymour Center looking like this:

and this

and this

and this
And this!

.... with remarkably fantastic reviews.

Stage Whispers:  "Clever and slick choreography, a classy version of the Chippendales with less grunt and more glitz"

Aussie Theatre:  "Adam Williams choreography is not only as risque as the lyrics but also as technically and athletically impressive"

Svens Guide:  "I was not prepared for fantastic Aida with wangs, and I LOVED it"

Arts Hub:  "Jonathon Worsley, Adam Williams and Sheena Crouch have hit all the right notes.  Uplifting, entertaining, groin flapping action"

Considering the story board is quite literally about cock, I was genuinely humbled that audiences had noticed we'd taken it out of the gutter

Oudda the gudder

.... and through some unique, organic and original asymmetrical choices had delivered a theatrically appealing piece, that in my opinion (and gratefully 96% of the reviewers) far propelled from it's original existence.

We were a hit!  In Sydney, then Canberra, then Woollongong, then Melbourne.  

Oh.... then Melbourne!

We were down cast members in Melbourne (no going down on boys in Melbourne jokes) and considering it was my crazy head that thought of the funny shit they did on the stage, you'd think it would be my crazy head that could fly on in and join the show...... the head of my penis was called to centre stage to save the day.

(insert photoshopped overscaled image of Adam's penis picture HERE)




  1. Not so much a double entendre as a very funny and deliciously smutty play on words. Loved it! :)

  2. Hey! Are you mostly an active online visitor or maybe you are more into face to face communication?